paterelohim | IC contact: Sirenspull

What makes you think he'll say yes now? I mean- did God actually... answer you?

...Yes and no. [He's still holding the feather like a talisman.

He looks at Chuck, and for a few scant seconds he isn't so jaded, so ruined. He's Lucifer--a confused, terrified archangel, but also the Morningstar.]

I heard Him.

[It hurts His heart to see. So much pain, and there's no going back from it.]

What did he say?

[Lucifer shakes his head. Not that God didn't say anything, but it's too heavy for him to put into words. He just can't admit yet that God doesn't loathe him; the implications already overwhelm him.]

What am I supposed to do if this doesn't end?

[It's a rhetorical question, but he looks at Chuck helplessly, and the second one is painfully honest.] What am I supposed to do without Michael?

Come on, man, just slow down. [He bites his lip and thinks, choking on the urge, still new, to make everything alright.] How do you know you're gonna lose him? Look at you and Gabriel- I mean each of you, as people. If you guys can change that much... so can he. Just look at how much you've changed in eight months.

He hasn't changed at all.

[Admitting it tastes like defeat, and sticks in his throat, but it's the truth.]

Those words--the Enochian--do you know what he was saying to me?

['Monster'. It wasn't the first time Michael had said it here, just the first time Lucifer couldn't help reacting to it.]

[Chuck opens his mouth to say something, but only a choked sigh and a nod come out.]

Yeah. Yeah.

[He sits back and drags a hand over his face, taking a deep breath.]

I know he's changed. That- what you asked him, it's a big deal and it... fuck, it's a set back. That's horrible.

He's miserable in Heaven. He doesn't want to lead them, and if he doesn't come with me he'll never be able to leave.

[Lucifer says it mostly to justify why he wants Michael to disobey--but they both know that only scratches the surface of things.]

You tell me how he's changed, because right now I can't see it. I've tried.

Yeah, I know- I know. Lucifer, trust me, I know.

It's... it's the changes that are happening slowly. When you ask him something like that, it backs him into a corner and makes him deal with stuff like that before he's really ready to. He's not done changing yet, but it's still new enough that he's not ready to choose between the doubts he's just starting to have and the habits he's always felt safe with.

[Lucifer hangs silently on every word and reluctantly nods.]

But I've changed, too.

[It's a preamble of sorts but he pauses, looking at Chuck, waiting for the derision, the disbelief.]

[Chuck looks at him as semi-blankly as if Lucifer had just tentatively said that the sky is blue. After a moment-]

Yeah? [Of course you have. Keep talking?]

[There's the barest flicker of a smile, making Lucifer appear for a split second like a child who had been ready to dodge a slap and instead was given praise.]

He doesn't think I have. But now that God knows...

[You see where he's going with it now, don't you, Chuck?]

The reason he fought me was because I waged war on his Father. If he knows I'll leave things alone, there's no reason for him to...fear me.

[Oh yeah, he sees. But He has to find one point underlying this and jump on it.]

So... you think God will say something to him?

No. God never really said much to him directly, why would He start now that He's in hiding? But I've never lied to Michael. He'll believe me when I tell him what happened.

[He knows exactly how naive he sounds, and something in him seems to break just a little further. He has to chew back the urge to ask God again.]

I've learned things here just to prove to my brother that I'm not damned. [So Michael would realize that throwing him back in the Pit or killing him would be a mistake. It would be wrong.]

I'm not going to go native, and I will never want to be one of you the way some of my siblings do. But I wanted Michael to know that we have every right to be happy, too.

That's why I chose Sam. ...Sam Merlotte. I wanted someone to show me how to teach an angel to experience...life. Pleasure.

Edited 2012-02-04 01:38 (UTC)

[Wow. Chuck hadn't realized just how hard Lucifer's been trying. How much effort and time he spends every day working towards this. Something twists in his chest like a sick surge of sorrow that it all had to happen this way.]

You want me to talk to him? I'll do it, man.

If you think it will help.

[He's desperate. He won't turn down help, for once.]

Maybe, but I don't know, I really don't. I don't know the answer here.

[And for once it's completely, 100% honest. There's no way He could fix this that wouldn't hurt somebody.]

But shit, man, nobody deserves this. No one.

[Lucifer honestly has no idea how to put into words what Chuck's offer stirs up in him, but there's so much unmistakable gratitude in his expression that it's almost like looking at an entirely different angel.]

What would you do? In my place?

[It's idle curiosity. A human's life is in no way comparable to his, but still...he wants to know. Chuck is a prophet so he has a deeper understanding than most humans.]

[The seemingly simple question stuns him. Completely floors him.

He's never asked Himself that before. Never let Himself think about it, for fear of the answer. On the heels of a look on Lucifer's face that reminded Him powerfully of the light-bringer from ages ago, it socks him in the gut and Chuck has to take a second to cross his arms tight (protectively) around himself, tug at His beard fitfully, before He can answer.]

I don't know. I can't even imagine what it's like. I guess- it'd be all I could do to not fall apart.

[He looks away with a small nod.]

...Yeah, I guess that's about right.

[He's not sure how well he's doing, as far as 'holding it together' goes. But it doesn't feel like it's working.]

I need to clear my head, if I'm going to be able to talk to him again tomorrow.

Is that really a good idea?

What? Talking to him?

Yeah. That soon.

No...I'm sure it's the worst thing I could do, but I can't stop. Every day we end up in the kitchen with Eden, and I see how he is with her and I can't stop myself from asking him again.

Hey, look, if Sam and Bill Murray can break out of it, so can you. Make sure you end the day somewhere else. Barricade yourself in with sigils if you have to- just until the date changes.

IC contact: Sirenspull

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